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  • Writer's pictureMelissa

Lost



I woke up in a haze; I’d been in one all weekend.

But I knew I was equipped.

I’d get out as soon as I was ready.


I dug into my toolbox and tried to dispel the fog. I dutifully sat down and tuned in. I conscientiously applied my skills, a whole smattering of them.

I grounded myself. I identified parts. I found them in my body. I conversed with them. I found more parts. I was compassionate. I invited them to share with me what they wanted.

I even found a tiny timid ball of sadness, hiding, but causing quite the sulking ruckus.


I blocked everything out and focused on just that.

I couldn’t hold onto it.


I tried mindfulness.

I breathed.

I welcomed it.

But it eluded me.


I decided to give it space.

I tried to just identify triggers.

My mind was a blank.


And then the haze came right back, only foggier .

And now my head hurts and everything is a mess and I’m just lost, not only in the maze of my brain, but in this entire maze called life.


I feel like I’m doomed.

Like I could never get out of a cloud without my therapist’s help.

Like they come out of nowhere, with no rhyme and no reason.


Like the more I try to play this game of feeling and naming and putting a finger on what’s going on with me, the more lost I will get; the more complex the maze becomes; the more dense the haze becomes. The more I pound against the doors, the more they will prove to be false doors leading to nowhere.


Until I’ll just sit down in the corer, rummage in my bag until I find the only tool that seems to help today — another bag of onion Bissli — and give up on ever being mentally okay.


Or hope for someone to find me.


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4 Comments


Leah Schiffer
Leah Schiffer
May 30, 2022

I think you found the best tool of all! For me, just throwing up my hands and giving in to whichever state I'm in, coupled with some good (crunchy) distraction often 'works' its magic...

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Melissa
Melissa
May 31, 2022
Replying to

Thank you! You speak wise words. Sometimes we just have to stop fighting and surrender to what's happening. But it's so hard to tell when to stop kicking against life...

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Emunah Harrel
Emunah Harrel
May 29, 2022

Hey, knock, knock ❤️ can I come sit near you in your bissli corner?

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Melissa
Melissa
May 29, 2022
Replying to

Please do! Misery loves company and I have so many more bags of Bissli.💕

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