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  • Writer's pictureMelissa

Pseudo-Adult

Updated: Apr 11, 2022



With every piece of validation I receive, every bit of understanding of what happened, there’s a painful reality to accept.

And so validation hurts.


I find myself in a book. I swallow the words whole, and so uncharacteristically, put it down for a few minutes mid-chapter to digest what I read. That’s how much it resonates. That’s how much it touches the very fabric of my existence.

This describes me, I think. I’m not a weird fluke; I’m a product of circumstances.


But with it also comes the need to accept that I am not whole. That I am a hole. And to quote the writer of my most recently read book (book review here), it’s like my entire makeup is a net with wide holes. And with this I try to keep it all together. I am missing major developmental pieces. I’m missing basic skills. I have a limited number or resources. I’m not a complete, functional human being.


I don't have abilities most human beings have by default.

I am less than.


I am disabled in the emotional arena.

And that hurts.


After a lifetime of trying to cover up every lack with perfection. After a childhood, an adolescence, an adulthood, of trying so hard to ace it. To do things right, I need to face that I am not right.


I am flawed. I am broken. I was never complete.


There are entire gaps missing in my development. Entire gaps missing in my person — physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I am not a card-carrying adult; just a pseudo-adult.


And at this ripe, old age, I have to go back in time and learn in the most painful way what others received for free, just by virtue of being born. Just by virtue of being wanted, delighted in, deserving of their place on this world.


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6 Comments


Dreamer Forever
Dreamer Forever
Mar 27, 2022

Yes Yes and Yes! I think these exact thoughts so often. Gaps, flaws, broken, incomplete, disabled. So beautifully expressed!😘

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Melissa
Melissa
Mar 28, 2022
Replying to

Wow, this perspective is very encouraging.

Thank you for that!

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Emunah Harrel
Emunah Harrel
Mar 27, 2022

This made my heart race (even faster than its usual anxiety ridden gallop) because I can relate to the feeling of brokenness so well. And as much as my therapist protests and says that one can choose to be whole and healthy, I can't help but feel like shattered glass - perhaps I look whole from afar, but when one looks up close - it's obvious that I was just sloppily glued back together. With chips and breaks, holes and scratches covering my entire being. And like you said, what comes so naturally for most - is and will be a lifetime of work for me.

Sending all the love and the energy to keep filling those holes.

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Melissa
Melissa
Mar 27, 2022
Replying to

How poignantly expressed. Thank you for you empathy. (Or is it called resonance in this case?)

Your descriptions are so apt, so eloquent. I can just see this sloppy gluing that we had to do on our pretty little owns because no steady hand was there to help with the work.

Knowing I'm not trekking this arduous journey on my own is priceless.

Thank you. Sending you back wishes of strength -- and so much love. 💕

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