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  • Writer's pictureMelissa

The Problem With Gray

The problem with this therapy thing is that I can never comfortably ensconce myself in a clear train of thought. I’m always stuck straddling the fence.

I’m not here, not there. I’m being pulled in both directions. Don’t trust. This is bad, grasps me in a chokehold. And as soon as I try to make myself comfortable there, I get pulled in the other direction: Hey… maybe you should not throw all of this out.

If only I could stay in the don’t-trust-this camp! It may be sad and painful, but it’s safe in the way it is so clear. I can learn to live there, cut my losses, and build a life around the hole.

A year ago, or even more recently, I used to be able to take up residence right there in distrust and not have anyone bother me. But lately, even though everything seems to warn me not to trust — and the proof is all over, especially in this pain and dread that I sit in all week — the memories of the times my therapist was able to break through my resistance and show me a new way of thinking, as well as the combinations of the micro experiences that so stubbornly foster trust start to counter my thoughts.

Arghh. Go away.

Because when I have to consider all of it, the reasons I do not, and will not, trust — and yet also take into account the trust already fostered, it leaves me in the excruciating place of…. Gray.

I like black and white.

Oh, I’ve been accused of binary thinking by, well, many people.

But I like binary.

I don’t like gray. I don’t like being in a place where you can trust her — but no, you can't trust that she will always understand you fully or be in a position to get you in the way you need to be understood.

Gray is hazy. Gray is unsure. Gray is insecure. Gray is not determinate. Gray is knowing that I don’t know and I won’t know and yet I have to continue anyway.

Gray is saying yes to living with crippling doubt. Gray is sitting on a swing that’s constantly moving, like a pendulum, and bracing myself for the ride.

It’s maybe trying not to brace myself but to lean into the ride. But I can’t.

Gray is not stable.

I prefer black. As depressing as it is, it’s still secure. And white. Though I see so little of that in my life.

I think I’ll take the heavy depressiveness of black over the ungrounded murkiness of gray.

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Emunah Harrel
Emunah Harrel
Jul 01, 2022

So much yes. Gray demands us to juggle all our contradictory thoughts and feelings while maintaining a perfectly circular motion of the airborne balls. How is that fair and who made up these rules and how do we change them.

Jul 01, 2022
Replying to

OMG, so yes!

Who made the rules and how do we change them? And who forced us into this stupid game?

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