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  • Writer's pictureMelissa

Trudging On



When I’m onto potential therapist number… twelve? (I lost count) and before official consultation number three in the search for a new therapist, all I’m feeling is… jaded. Blasé. And oh, so weary.


I spoke, unpacked my baggage yet again, but it may as well have been a prerecorded conversation by now, that’s how many times I’ve already repeated it for random healers I contacted.


So you feel you have the secret, that IFS is the way to go? Wunderbahr

So you want me to give you half my paycheck for an intake? Sure… whatever you say.

And it requires a stop at the bank on the way because you prefer cash over Zelle? At your service.

And I need to fill out a form detailing my entire mental health history and every symptom I can relate to and every personal detail about my life before you’ll even speak to me? Here you go.

You want me to go deep in myself and pluck out my most personal struggles and share them in writing? Whatever you ask for.


My motivation level is at a measly .05. My hope that this is the answer, that this random person can help me, is pathetically low.


So why am I even doing this?

Because I’m struggling. I want to find a way out. I need to figure out a way to live unhindered by what’s weighing me down.


This ridiculous chase, the search for seemingly elusive help, brings to mind something I read in an introduction to the (very technical and heavy, yet spot-on) book about Component-Based Psychotherapy: Treating Adult Survivors of Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect.


Bessel van der Kolk writes in the intro that one of his patients once told him the following (and let’s leave the vexing “patient” he refers to clients as to dissect and vent about at a different time).

“I pay, I pay, and I pay. I paid with my childhood. I paid with my innocence. I paid with my adolescence, and I paid for all sorts of different forms of therapy, often by inadequate therapists. I have trained dozens of therapists how to treat people like me, but it was I who had to pay the bills.”

And van der Kolk adds, “But my patient never gave up trying.”


So far, I also haven’t given up.

I hope you don’t give up either.




P.S. As I search for a new therapist I find this meme so relatable. I should consider doing that!



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6 Comments


grunwaldmalki
Oct 25, 2023

I'm with you on this weary voyage (to nowhere?), soul sister. Although my potential ther-o-meter is probably surging closer to a cool thirty five or so. I've bared my soul and my quest for sanity to too many and still I've reached a dead-end in this barren, tangled forest.

Wishing you an easy path filled with gentle healing and kind healers, Amen.

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Melissa
Melissa
Oct 26, 2023
Replying to

You seem to be such a weary traveler of this seemingly impossible journey, and I'm sorry that the therapy journey has been this unkind to you.

I truly hope things pick up from here in a healing way.

Amen to your kind words!

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Leah Schiffer
Leah Schiffer
Oct 24, 2023

Oh, Melissa😌! I don't know how you do it. You are so brave.


And that '...Wundebahr' made me LOL. It's a word I use all the time, and it's strangely satisfying.


Ok, and the PowerPoint thing is definitely a must. OMG, I'm picturing the effects I would use to accompany the images; My creative brain is going wild😎. It would definitely be a therapeutic endeavor. Perhaps it can become The new journaling method for 2024??

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Melissa
Melissa
Oct 25, 2023
Replying to

Thanks so much for the encouragement.

Isn't it a great word, especially expressed in bla-ness?

Ooh, sounds like you have a cool project up your sleeve! 😍

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Emunah Harrel
Emunah Harrel
Oct 24, 2023

I hope this endless journey finally comes to a halt, Melissa, and that therapist number 12 is indeed the right messenger to help you find healing and peace and happiness ❤️

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Melissa
Melissa
Oct 24, 2023
Replying to

Amen, I answer hazily, from the depths of my tired soul.

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