I actually wrote this piece several months ago.
But now that I face the same realization all over again in my therapy journey, I'd love to hear what you think about this. Is there any room for negotiation here, or is this the fact we have to face in therapy, in life?
Please share your thoughts in comments!
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“I can’t need anyone,” I said solemnly, meaning it with every fiber of my being.
“No one cares enough. No one understands. No one has the energy for me.”
You seemed to think you knew better.
“We are wired for connection,” you said.
“People do care if you let them.”
“We need others; it’s the only way to live.”
And then there was an invitation.
“See, let’s try this out with me. You can need me. You should need me. This is good for you.”
But I still stuck to my belief, letting the fear wrap itself around me like a protective cloak.
“No. The only one who cares about me is me. No one in the world can bother caring. Nobody can understand. In fact, nobody even wants to understand.”
Slowly, you coaxed me to remove that cloak of security.
“It’s just traumatic treatment that made you think so,” you said, not in so many words. “It’s a misguided manner of operation. It’s a miswiring of your brain, not the way the world is meant to be.”
I regarded you guardedly for hours, I let the idea percolate for months. And then I finally undid one button. Then another.
Then I slowly, painstakingly, began to remove my coat. First my shoulders lay cold and thinly protected, then I gingerly shrugged the entire cloak off and laid it down at the side of me.
I took you in from my peripheral vision. Then I dared to face you.
Firstly subtly, and then more outright, I said. “Okay, I need you.”
And then, “I need you so badly, it hurts. Can you be there for me?”
You became reflective.
Gently, softly, you said, “I can’t give you what you need. No one can give you what you need.”
You looked at me kindly. “The only one who can be there for you is you.”
See, I knew it all along.
Thank you for your kindness, for extending your heart, for giving me food for thought, both as a therapist (kidding!) and as a person sitting on the other chair; the one occupied by us "clients."
Sleep well.
I hope you find soothing and comfort both from within and without. 😍
I think it's about finding your very own nurturing mother voice in your mind. Seriously? this does work. But it takes time to develop. It's like the very opposite of your self critic. It lives inside of you, you have it there- it's just hidden at the moment, under layers of uncharitable beliefs about yourself. You need to unleash that compassion you have for others: your friends, your kids - on yourself. Easier said than done, I know.
You are actually the perfect person to do this 'cos you know just what you need to hear, you know all your weak spots, the irritating things you don't want to hear etc. I'm sorry I sound like a therapist. I also…
I want to join you in your profound loneliness today. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a wiser answer for you. Today I join you in longing for someone, anyone to understand my sheer aloneness on this planet. For a basin deep enough to hold my intensity without being scared off. (see, I stole that from your stunning ocean poem)
For someone (maybe myself?) to realise that it's not that I'm weak: it's that I have spent an entire life fending for myself; even with people around me who (think that they) know me and love me. For someone to hug me, and see through into me 'cos I have no words descriptive enough to express it all, and definitely no strength…