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  • Writer's pictureMelissa

What Was I Thinking?




The problem with an email is that once a few seconds pass, you can no longer revoke it.

The problem with words is that once they’re uttered, you can no longer take them back. You can cover them up with disclaimers and excuses and arguments. But those words are said.


And someone was on the receiving end of them.


4,000 of them.

Securely in the inbox.

Of my therapist.


Words that I can’t read now without wanting to run away and never face my therapist ever. Text I can't get through without wanting to vomit and let the awfulness leave my body somewhat.


Words that I'm starting to doubt… who even wrote them? What possessed me to share them? Oh, dear, holy G-d, what was I thinking?!


Why did I share the thoughts that were supposed to remain hidden in a lockbox in my heart forever? Why did I say things that will make her want to push me away — farther, farther, farther — maybe get rid of me altogether?

Why did I share stuff that makes me want to hide and roll into a ball and just pretend I never existed in the first place? And not face her and not face myself and not own up to these words I wrote some five days ago.

With tears. Believing every word.

Thinking I was being brave. Thinking I was doing what’s right.

Thinking that these thoughts were worthwhile to share.


Knowing that I might falter, but not realizing that at this point, a day before my session, I won’t be able to face myself. Won’t be able to face the words I have strung together with care.

Won’t be able to think of visiting some office where my therapist — the one now privy to those shameful thoughts — will sit and wait for me to explain.


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4 Comments


grunwaldmalki
Mar 08, 2022

Good for you that you got all of that out!! And with tears, of course. And believing every word. Thinking you were brave, because you absolutely are!


Cheering you on, wishing you much strength in facing the music, and hope that you enjoy the tune.

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Melissa
Melissa
Mar 13, 2022
Replying to

Your encouragment helped a lot, and the way you reframed it as something positive!

And while the music may be hard to face, you changed my perspecitive, making me realize it's music, indeed. Music of the soul, battered as it may be.

Thank you!!❤️

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Emunah Harrel
Emunah Harrel
Mar 08, 2022

I stand here at a chuppa, surrounded by people who are shaking and shuckling and shedding some tears - and I am too but not only because of the emotional background music... Mrs. Unseen - you indeed acted in bravery and while your thoughts and words are currently nauseating you, I believe your therapist will hear and see the message that you originally intended to send. Such a strong reaction is surely a sign of something meaningful that's just waiting to happen. Good luck at your session tomorrow! Your team here at unseen will be cheering you on!

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Melissa
Melissa
Mar 13, 2022
Replying to

Thank you for your encouragement and for reminding me that this is brave and not, what I felt at that moment, cowardly.

I survived, and your words helped me to remember that this is the right thing to do. Thank you for your support!! 💗

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