The problem with me is that I don’t know how to do life.
Despite the months and months (and months and months) of therapy, I still don’t know what to do with the heaviness when it pounds on my chest, begging me to come visit.
Let it engulf me? Talk to it? Just sit with it? Try to understand it?
Try to beat it and get out in the world and bask in the glorious sun?
Submit to it and say, I’m here with you?
I am not even sure what it is.
Is it sadness? And if it is, is it current sadness? Old sadness? Young sadness? Younger sadness?
Is it the entire world's troubles bundled up in my heart? Everything I saw and heard that made a mark? Everyone's troubled faces flitting past me?
Is it depression, and if so, do I have to beat it or join it?
Is it just a defense, covering up a hole under it? Something else under it?
Is it the hole?
Am I supposed to tenderly lift it off and find out what’s under it? Or rather focus on the heaviness itself?
And also... what am I supposed to do with this precious little time that I have for myself?
Just breathe? Watch the precious minutes pass by into nothingness like sands sliding down the hourglass?
Do something so I should feel accomplished?
Or will doing something just exhaust me?
Rest or invigorate myself?
Relax, or rev up my circulatory system?
What are the rules of this thing called Life?
And why am I the only one who didn’t get the rulebook?
Can I buy it somewhere? Or is it a birthright of most, but not mine to be had?