top of page
  • Writer's pictureMelissa

Watch Me Tumble




After ups and downs, climbs and falls, it feels like I finally reached a stable place in therapy. A place of hard-earned trust in this process. Even in my therapist. Something in me relaxed a tiny bit and the encounter lately has felt a little safer.


So now come the holidays.

If there are any other Tuesday clients like me, you know what this particular set of holidays brings with it. Well, lots — but from a therapy perspective... four full weeks off. I mean, to be very technical, four sessions off, which translates to a five-week therapy break.


So I stand at the precipice here and wonder. Should I even bother take in the sights here at the top when I know in just a matter of time I'll tumble down the cliff and into the abyss of having no faith in any of this?


Should I hold onto the wisps of caring I felt, when, give me a little more distance, and I will know beyond the shadow of doubt that no one in the world even cares.


Should I believe that therapy holds some hope for me, when it will all soon dissipate in a cloud of haziness and doubt?

How I wish I can just put this entire thing on hold and pick up in a few weeks where I am leaving off now. How I wish I can freeze my therapy self for the next few weeks and just continue from this point upon my return.


But it doesn't work that way. I know I'm in for a terrible fall. I know that soon I will be distrustful, pained. I know abandonment will soon crawl up on me and I'll feel like a fool for ever believing this process is beneficial at all.


I know that the bit of openness I have now will be locked up with doors of steel next time I face that chair again.


But I don't have patience to brace myself for the fall as I hover here at the cliffside knowing what's ahead of me.



111 views4 comments

Recent Posts

See All

When the Wrong Mark Is Hit

The blog has moved, and this post can be seen here: https://btwnsessions.com/when-the-wrong-mark-is-hit/.

4 Comments


Leah Schiffer
Leah Schiffer
Sep 21, 2022

Gosh, this break is so daunting for all of us on the therapy planet😓

Can we do a group therapy thingy on Wednesdays for the Tuesday gang??


And I believe this is the time of year when many of us need extra therapy...

Like
Melissa
Melissa
Sep 21, 2022
Replying to

How right you are! We get none and need double.

So where does our Group meet? I think I'm in. We'll all lament about absences and lack of object constancy and how our therapists are mere figments of our imaginations.

Like

Emunah Harrel
Emunah Harrel
Sep 21, 2022

Which is worse, the anticipation of the fall ahead or the actual fall? Will there be a day where a break doesn't equal a fall? How can we make that day come sooner?

Like
Melissa
Melissa
Sep 21, 2022
Replying to

Hm, I think the anticipation and dread of the fall ahead? What do you think?


I don't know if one day a break won't equal a fall, though if I want to be honest, it is getting easier to rebound after a fall than it has in the past.


Are there people who can internalize another person enough and actually hold on to a relationship in the absence of physical presence?


Like
bottom of page